I get the dorkiest grin on my face. I may know we can’t be together, and I don’t really want to. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t something.
When I was a sophomore in high school. there was a new boy who joined the musical. He was cute and everyone sort of had a thing for him. A supposed friend of mine announced that “we were all going to like him” oh, except me. I “wasn’t allowed” to like him because he would probably just fall for me instead of them.
Normal Female Brain: upset that friend was a super mega ultra bitch and said lachrymose words.
My Brain: Challenge accepted.
in God. And by that, I mean, I have always believed that God exists. But I don’t always put my faith in Him. But the last few days I have been thinking a lot. And finally, I am starting to realize somethings. I watched the Kony 2012 video. It is a wonderful cause and really showing how globalization can be used for so much good. I try to stay out of politics as much as I can, but anyone who says anything negative about it has their head up their… yeah.
Basically, that video made me realize how much I have always wanted to join the peace corps. I have a half filled out application, that isn’t finished because I am horrified of needles and obviously I would need immunizations. Now I can’t promise that I won’t faint when I go to the doctor’s, but it is important to go and I just feel like I have to suck it up and not let this worry stop me from doing things I want to— I’m meant to.
So here’s the game plan. I go to the doctor for my job. I live. I work on my ship for awhile. In my breaks, I learn spanish and relearn french. I do things to encourage my acceptance of needles. I work on my application. I will know when the time is right. And I won’t worry about other things and people in my life, because they will all fall into place.
There’s no where you can be that isn’t where you’re meant to be— it’s easy.
And if you are meant to stay a part of my life you will. And that’s really all I can hope for.
allow myself to listen to cheesy music, or read adorable quotes. I won’t let my mind linger too long on the shared moments, analyze their every second, hoping to find a shred of perfection.
I won’t take it for anything more than face value.
I won’t because I can’t.
I won’t because it would mean admitting things.
I won’t because once you say it out loud, it’s out in the universe, and I simply cannot have that.
when my own jealousy surprises me.
Everywhere I go I am assaulted with foolish red and pink things that scream OH MY GOD YOU ARE SO SINGLE. Which only seems to send me into a spiral of bitterness, self-loathing and over analyzation. And I have come up with several end points.
The first one is that the only thing worse than being single on Valentine’s Day is being bitter and single. Because Valentine’s Day is that super special day where, when you try and punch everyone holding hands, and frown so long you should probably get botox to rid yourself of worry wrinkles, everyone knows that you are alone and unhappy about it. On the other 364 days of the year, you might be able to get away with frowning at PDA without anyone assuming it’s just because nothing about you is special enough to have caught someone’s eye. But not February 14th. No sir, you wear that bitter and angry face all day and everyone knows why— you’re single and not by your own election. I thought I would be approaching this Valentine’s day with that attitude— poor me, I am alone and I hate it. But it’s not true. Would I like a boyfriend? Sure. But…
Conclusion number two: I could genuinely have a boyfriend if I wanted one. I hate to admit it but going through my inbox, I was texting four different boys most of the week. Granted, they are friends of varying degrees— I have had at least the implication of more than friendship with all of them. If I wanted to date them I could, but I don’t. Universe: 1 Meghan:0. I can’t very well complain about not having someone when frankly, I do. I’m just too picky for them.
Conclusion number 3: I am independent. I think that I want a boyfriend, but when I think of the gestures and romanticism involved I don’t really desire it at all. Men need to be wanted. Girls who are a little needy do WAY better in these situations because their need feeds egos. Sorry, I’m not needy. Sorry I can stand on my own two feet. And with this realization, I have come to terms with the fact that it is going to take a really wonderful kind of man who doesn’t want to sweep me off my feet, but stand next to me and hold my hand. And that’s really all I ask for.
So tomorrow, when the world is assaulted with PDA and flowers, chocolate, hearts and love, I will not roll my eyes, pretend to vomit or grimace. No, I will tell everyone important in my life how much I love them, and I will know that one day my patience will pay off and I will indeed find someone who I adore. Until then, the only thing that I can do is keep loving myself for exactly who I am. After all, no one likes a girl who whines and hates herself. As someone wise once said, confidence is key. And I plan to remain confident and unabashed by the world so that I am open to what the world has to offer me.